No, I Don't Play Basketball
Repeat offenders

There’s a convenience store near my house that I visit maybe once every two or three weeks. It’s a bit further than the two closer to where I live, but it is open much later than the others. So generally speaking, I only go there when the other two are closed, or if it is on my way home.

But I’m still there regularly enough that I’m not a stranger.

Part of my hesitance to visit there is that the guy who is usually working there not only never recognises me, but we go through the same conversation loop.

I walk up to the counter, say hello, hand over my items and wait. It takes about 10 seconds but he stops, stares down over the counter and looks me up and down.

“WOOOOAAAAAH”

Sigh.

“How tall are you?”

We had been through this routine at least four times by last week, and I admit I was a bit tired at the time and couldn’t put up with it again.

“You ask me this every time I’m here. Don’t you remember?”

“You obviously don’t come here often enough.”

“There’s a reason for that.”

This isn’t really uncommon. Either people somehow manage to forget that person they found amazingly tall, or it’s convenient selective amnesia. The variations for those who do remember are:

  • “Have you grown since I last saw you?’ [That was probably okay to ask when I was 12. Now, not so much]
  • "I don’t remember you being that tall.” [Yes, you do. You said the same thing last time]

As I’ve said previously, I am usually pretty accommodating with the questions the first time I meet people, but no second chances.

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Clothes

Standing at the lights, near my hotel in Melbourne, an old woman sidles up next to me. She turns, looks down at my feet, then draws her eyes up. I brace myself, knowing exactly what is going to come next.

“How do you find shoes that fit?”

It was always going to be that or where do I buy my clothes. Generally old ladies ask this question because they have a grandson that is considered to be tall.

While we both wait for the light to turn green, I explain that being US size 13, I’m on the cusp of shoe sizes where I an generally find shoes in regular, non-clown sized, shoe stores but if I was size 14, it’d be much more difficult.

As expected, she says her grandson is tall and that he has trouble finding shoes. I nod in agreement, and we stand in silence until finally the pedestrian light goes green.

This is probably the third or fourth most common question I get from strangers. It’s usually accompanied by a question about clothes.

Yes, it is tough finding clothes that fit. Particularly when clothes tend to only be designed for short to average height, or for the wider-than-average person.

Jeans are generally okay, particularly now that wearing jeans above the ankle is in fashion (MY TIME HAS ARRIVED). T-shirts can be midriffs if you’re not careful. Shirts and formal wear are a bit more complicated.

There are tall-person shops like Big and Tall, but with Australia’s obesity rate, they tend to focus on the wider Australians, rather than the very tall, and I fit into their smallest available pants size, while shirts tend to fit like a tent.

That and the clothes are frankly designed by people who do think tents are fashionable clothing.

This is one of the less annoying questions, I should say. Usually helped by the fact that it is harmless grandmothers asking that question but nevertheless, it is one I’m answering a few times a week.

Mitt Romney is like every old man I’ve met, ever.

Virgin Australia

A few months ago, I was flying back from Melbourne on a work trip.

I didn’t book the flights, so I didn’t book my seating. And as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t believe taller people should have to pay for the same amount of leg room as a shorter passenger. I usually try my luck to get exit row seating at the counter when I checked in, and this time I managed to get one.

However just before boarding I was called over to the gate and told that I would have to move out of the exit row into a normal seat because someone had paid more for the exit row.

I complained to the staff but there was no alternative. When I got back to Sydney, I called and complained to Virgin Australia directly. Almost two months later, I get the below response.

Dear Mr Taylor

Thank you for your feedback that we have received here within the Guest Relations department as we appreciate that you’ve taken the time and effort to contact us.  Allow me also to apologise for the delayed response, please be assured that your correspondence is taken very seriously.

Mr Taylor, I apologise for the disappointment felt when learning about the fees applicable to purchase our Blue Zone seating. In regards to your concerns about our seating, we understand that being very tall the Blue Zone seating is your preference. 

Virgin Australia has decided to offer this product so that we can better identify those guests who are seeking this service. This ‘Blue Zone’ product allows us to define a clear product and make it available to all of our guests at the time that they book their ticket. By paying the applicable fee it guarantees you a Blue Zone seat, however if there are seats available on board in Blue Zone, we do try to accommodate requests made by our guests’ if they wish to change seats during the flight.

Guests are also welcome to request this seating at the time of check–in for your flight, and if available our airport staff will seat guests who meet the requirements in legroom seat. We understand that you feel that it is unfair to have to pay the applicable fee for a Blue Zone seat. However, all of our guests’ deserve the choice of the extra leg room the Blue Zone seating offers and this is the only fair and equitable way to allow access to these seats. 

Mr Taylor, I appreciate this opportunity to explain without seeming to make excuses. I can only hope that you reconsider your position and include Virgin Australia in your future travel plans.


Kind Regards

I do understand why the service would be in place for normal or short passengers - there’s a clear advantage to having slightly extra leg room on such flights. But by not providing the seats to taller people when they request it is pretty much dooming them to sore knees and an uncomfortable flight.

The response from Virgin didn’t really answer my question, so I’ve sent a follow up. I’ll post here if I actually get one.

#3 Airline seating

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Being tall guarantees you a life of being cramped in any form of public transport. In air travel, this usually means very sore knees, and difficulty in putting the tray table down without looking like you’re trying to give birth to your meal. That’s without the possibility of the person in front of you putting their seat back mid-flight.

One of the comforts that airlines have afforded, until recently when they started charging, was offering the tall person the exit row seating. The extra six or so inches of legroom is a welcome relief and makes flying feel much less like a loan shark has taken a sledge hammer to your knees for missing a payment.

Thankfully sympathetic check-in counter attendants will still give you the seat if you have to turn up to the airport early before your flight.

There is, however, a disturbingly growing trend of short people opting for this seating too. Please stop this, for your tall fellow passengers. It makes flying much more pleasant and leaves us much less grumpy than we might otherwise be. We might even let you ask us how tall we are.

#2 How Tall Are You?

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If the first question is not related to whether or not a tall person plays basketball, it can be one of a couple of simple height questions.

The most obvious is: “How tall are you?”

The question itself is innocent enough. But when it is a question your friendly giant is likely to hear a minimum of 2 times a day when they leave the house, it has a much more annoying outcome.

Most of the time, the tall person will begrudgingly offer this fairly irrelevant piece of personal information to the stranger, and generally expects the question to come up, so will often answer it before they’ve finished asking it.

It would be considered a social faux pas of Larry David proportions to ask an overweight person that you’ve just met how much they weigh and similarly, you wouldn’t ask a dwarf how short they are and yet other physical dimensions of a person seem to be open season. Simply put: when it comes up at every single social interaction - from buying bread at the bakery, to catching the bus - it’s not about making small talk, it’s about pointing out how this person is different from you.

The next most common question/joke: How is the air up there?

Yes, the extra, you know, six inches or so that I occupy above you means I’ve actually left the troposphere and have entered the stratosphere. What’s that? You couldn’t hear me through the oxygen mask I need to breathe up here? Sorry about that.

#1 No, I don’t play basketball

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Undoubtedly once you pass a certain physical stature in society, it is your obligation as a member of that society to join a sporting team. If you haven’t, it is important for fellow citizens to remind you of this obligation when they first meet you. It is not at all condescending and is always the most original question that one can ever ask a tall person. The tall person must act surprised as though it is the first time they have heard such a question and must endeavor to pay close attention as the concerned citizen tries to enlist new recruits for their own local basketball team.

If at first, the tall person rejects these helpful suggestions, you must persist, informing them that they are “wasting” their height and could in fact be millionaires based on their height alone, regardless of their skills, coordination or desire to play this particular sport.